A scattering of thoughts

I had the big anatomy scan today, which has the nickname "big reveal" amongst most parents-to-be. We didn't find out Evan's sex until this big ultrasound last time, and the only reason we were privy to information before this time was thanks to that nasty stomach bug.

When we had gone for a check-up with my regular OB a week or so after the ultrasound in Washington, I asked the doctor if she could verify the sexes. (She declines to use a fetoscope for twin pregnancies because of the impossibility of verifying you've listened to both separate fetal heart tones.) I wasn't trying to be paranoid, but the night we'd found out it was one boy and one girl, we were both very sick. And tired. And we didn't get any pictures to later gloss over and squint at. So, I asked. The baby on my right and up high was definitely a boy. Baby A, down low and to my left, had the cord between their legs.

You can foresee how this only increased my anxiety, yes? Couple that with plenty of crazy pregnancy dreams and I started doubting why I'd bought some pink clothes.

Today at the ultrasound, the tech asked if we knew the sexes and I said I thought we did but wanted to confirm. I pointed to my lower left and said "this is the one we think is a girl." She glided the wand over. "Oh, um, no, that's definitely a boy" she said.

Huh. Look at that. We just became those people...you know, the ones you read about that get told a girl and it's really a boy?

Except about thirty minutes later she pinned down the baby in my upper right quadrant. "Now that? That's a girl" the tech said.

It seems the babies still have room to play switcheroo in utero.

Head to head, messing with my head.

The babies are small, not worrisome small, but more like "What you'd expect for an extremely thin girl with a small frame who had another small baby" small. I'll go back in every four weeks to the perinatologist for ultrasounds to check on the babies until I deliver. I have one doctor looking out for the babies, one looking out for me.

***

In other things and thoughts about pregnancy; I don't really know how to respond when someone tells me that they want a twin pregnancy. I understand the excitement aspect of two squishy babies, but deep down I can't help but hear "I want to experience a high-risk pregnancy." I kind of cringe a bit. I've had this happen a few times and I'm still not sure how to react.

But when someone tells me that they're expecting twins/triplets/more? Then? Yeah, I know how to react. Not like a ass, that's how. I've had enough people make snide comments to me to know no one wants to hear something like "You'll have your hands full" or "Better you than me." I thought it was fairly common sense that if you didn't know what to say to someone, the safe bet was "Congratulations" or even the more elusive "You must be so happy!", but fail.

***

The whole luck lottery of conception still gets to me. When I got pregnant, I was actually doing a Bible study on infertility. It was a small class; it was its pilot run at the church and there were only three of us who huddled together every Thursday night. I grew so close to those women.

And then I got pregnant, mid-way through the study. (Wah-waah)

Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled and ecstatic, but how do you tactfully say you're now knocked up to other women who are just as desperate to be there? I think it was painful all around. Don't get me wrong, the women there were so happy for me and wonderful and caring, but I felt this sense of self-inflicted guilt.

I'm still fairly close with one of the girls from the study, and I love her sweet disposition and caring spirit. It's hard for me when she asks how I'm doing because I always want to blurt out "I want you to be pregnant! You deserve a baby!" But yeah, that would be weird. Life seems so unfair sometimes, and it is so tricky to navigate those waters.

I've been there; both sides of infertility and it doesn't get any easier as time goes by.

***

I don't focus too much on how much life will change when the babies arrive. I know things will be vastly different than they are now. I try not to go into the unknown with too many expectations. There is no sense in worrying about tomorrow.

However, I am trying to be prepared. I know there are things we need (and we're slowly crossing them off our lists), but I am having a hard time with the whole "How do you do it?" aspect.

My mother-in-law had twins. She had them two years after she had a singleton (my husband). So, I do have a little bit of guidance from her. She, however, had a very different lifestyle at the time, and a lot of luxury of familial support.

I'm not saying I don't have family support, but it's different. After I had Evan, Robert and I had told people that we'd like a week to spend together as a family of three getting to know each other and establish a routine (or at least recover from it all). I was discharged with Evan from the hospital on a Sunday.

Robert had to be at work Monday. (He did eventually take some time off, but it was a day or two here or there, and he was still expected to answer calls and emails.)

That sucked. I had to take Evan in for a weight check the day after we were discharged, so my dad came and played chauffeur. My dad did that occasionally; he'd come over and help out a bit. He was there with me the morning this happened.

My mom came over once on a Friday when Robert was at work. And my in-laws came over once together for dinner, and my mother-in-law visited separately once by herself.


That was it. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but this was far from the "family coming in to help out en masse" that I frequently heard about from my friends and online. Some people from church had a few meals delivered (which, yay!) and I had one set of friends come over and bring a pizza. A lot of my other friends had either just had babies or lived far out of town.

I suppose part of it was maybe my fault; I'm so staunchly independent that I rarely ask for help. I'm never going to be the girl that says "I cannot keep my eyes open and the baby needs to be held and PS, my laundry hamper is overflowing." Even when I was on bed rest I didn't ask for people to come over. I craved it, though. One of my friend's moms came and brought me comfort food and groceries one time just to check up on me and I nearly sobbed myself sick I was so beside myself with gratitude.

We got through it all okay last time. Great, even. Evan was an exceptionally easy baby, who although didn't sleep much, was happy and fantastic and didn't have any major issues to contend with. I found a rhythm pretty quick and figured out how to do enough laundry to survive, and we ate a lot of sandwiches.

This time, though, I know it will be different. I'll even go so far as to say harder. It isn't just one baby, it's two. And a toddler.

I've done the preemptive task of getting Evan a set routine of two days a week at a preschool where he gets some one-on-one attention and future baby-free time. I've also got a plan to freeze some meals so we can all eat healthy and hot food for a bit.

But then? Then sometimes I think of the logistics of two little babies and my needing-attention toddler and wonder how the heck I'll do it alone. Yes, Robert is getting paternity leave this time (four weeks!), but...just how? How do you do it?

My mother-in-law has graciously volunteered to take a week and come over and help, and I'm sure my dad will be there if he can (he and my mom share a car). But then? Then I just don't know. I don't have any living grandparents, and Robert's grandparents live too far to come in and help out. My mom is so dedicated to her work that it's hard to get her to take time off (although I'm sure if I asked flat outright, she would take a few days). I have friends that are in town and not pregnant and have told me they want to come over and love on the babies. I still worry, though.

Then, just like a flicker of a light, I decide to postpone all that worry and all those thoughts of how will we do it all and focus on the positive. We have so much to be grateful for.

I don't know what having twins will be like. I don't know about feeding schedules or sleep arrangements or how I'll park a minivan in the garage.

What I do know is that we'll be okay. We always manage to find a way through it all, still together and intact, and better for the journey. We always end up laughing together.

This is our path, and although it sometimes causes me palpitating anxiety thinking of all the questions, I know that undoubtedly it will be worth it. I don't have an ounce of regret about having two babies and a toddler. This is how it's supposed to be. I just sometimes start worrying ahead of myself.

I'm trying to take it one ultrasound day at a time. I cannot wait to meet these babies and figure it all out.



PS - Possibly the whining has something to do with the return of the morning sickness? It can go away at any time now.